You did what??

I've long thought that a small nose ring looked cute and fun, and well, yes, cool. I've always thought it would be fun to do it, but mostly chickened out or worried what people would think if I did it.

That last reason has plagued me for years, not necessarily about the nose ring, per se, but in life in general. Caring what people think. Not wanting to be judged, misunderstood, disrespected, not liked. I've had ebbs and flows of this struggle, and surprisingly, it seems, for some reason, that it has been more on the forefront of my mind in the last year or so. It probably has to do with moving, it could be that I'm now in my mid-30's and a stay-at-home mom and maybe have less adult interaction, or it could simply be that I'm human and we seem to worry about these sorts of things.

I found lately, though, that my confidence in the Lord was being affected. My insecurities were more my focus than the truth that my God delights in me. My way of dealing with it was to try to control it better. To try harder to get over it. Pray about it, yes, but mostly talk myself out of it. And surprise, it wasn't working. When I do it that way, my insecurities grow. But when I do it God's way and focus on Him and depend on Him and learn of Him, my confidence grows. The peace that He gives, grows. When I trust in His delight and love for me, I can push aside those ugly thoughts of self-absorption, fear of man, and people-pleasing.

I've been learning much lately (always). And in talking to Ryan one night about all these lessons, I was saying how I wanted a physical reminder, an altar if you will, to point me back to Jesus in all things. And so the idea was born: my nose ring, for me, could be the altar I was looking for. So, after years of talking about it, I did it. I got my nose pierced.

I have pages upon pages in my journal of these lessons that will hopefully be life-changing lessons. But truthfully, I'm sure I'll struggle with one or two of them my entire lifetime. Sometimes I wonder if God allows those "thorns" so that we'll continually run back to Him. But these lessons are the reason I wanted my new covenant with the Lord to be physical. Just like I like to be reminded that I'm loved by Him, I look at the clock at 10:15 (my birthday - 10/15) and use that as my personal connection to the Lord, a reminder to check-in and a reminder that I am loved. It's amazing how many times I "happen" to look at the clock at exactly 10:15. Now some of the lessons are between me and my Lord, but just a few I wanted to share:

1. My confidence is in the Lord. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I can rest in who He made me to be. I can tend to be easily influenced by people around me. An interaction can make or break my mood. I long not to dwell on the negatives, but seek the Lord and give all those thoughts to Him instead of letting them circle in my head. As my dear friend, Katy, says, our thoughts can be like birds flying overhead. Some thoughts circle around, subtly land and rest in my mind, and before I know it, I'm stuck in a downward spiral of negative, sinful thoughts. I need to not let those thoughts build a nest in my mind, but I can shoo them away (throw out those negative, sinful thoughts). They may do several fly-by attempts, but I can do my part to not let them rest too long. We have to "fix our thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." (Phil. 4:8). I need not be pulled to and fro by people-pleasing, but instead, focus on pleasing the Lord. And I don't want to worry what others will think of me, if I'm living for Him, that is my concern. Some people may not like it, may not like me or my choices, but again, if I'm focusing on the Lord, what can mere man do to me?

2. That first lesson was tested right after said piercing of the nose. For some people didn't like it and didn't understand it and I felt judged and questioned. The first lesson was reaffirmed and another lesson evolved - this was a lesson I hadn't sought after, but God chose to soften my heart to the many people who must feel slighted or judged by the Church. It's hard to be different. It's hard to walk into a place (church) feeling like you stick out like a sore thumb. It's hard imagining that everyone who looks at you is displeased by you. This is not Truth. This is a lie of the Enemy who wants to destroy. But if we are not careful, we can all fall into this way of thinking. I want to make more of an effort to see those on the outside that may feel like they don't fit in or that people don't understand them. God loves all of us and does not show favoritism. And He did, indeed, make us unique and special, every one of us with worth and dignity. It's about grace - accepting it for myself and giving it to others.

3. Going along with that, I don't want to just fit the mold. I don't want my Christianity to become routine or just a lifestyle. This is not about rebelling against society, it's more about not giving into influence, feeling pressure to fit in and be like everyone else. Not just going through the motions of being a Christian because it's all I've ever known. But to declare myself different, because I am different. I'm not supposed to be like everyone else. We're all fearfully and wonderfully made, but I'm not necessarily like the person next to me. And I may have gifts or abilities that are different and God may use me differently so I shouldn't think I need to be like everyone else. I long to live out the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) but not for my own benefit or my own recognition, but for His glory and purpose. I want less of me, more of Him. And sometimes, that means being a little different.

I have a scar on the left side of my nose from when I was a baby. So I was naturally thinking of drawing attention away from that by piercing the right side. Honestly and naively, I had never heard of meanings for the sides of the nose and maybe should have researched that a bit beforehand. BUT I think God used even that. As the man who pierced me was getting ready with the needle on my nose, he told me that in India, girls who were forced to be sex-slaves were forced to have the right side of their noses pierced as a means of branding. Um, wait, I should have learned of this earlier. But from that moment on, I began to worry. Am I going to send the wrong message with this piercing? I later googled meanings of nose-piercings (probably what I should have done first, but it definitely means more now) and found that the right side of the nose can mean "sacred." And for me, this has increased my desire to have this nose ring mean something. The process is sacred. Growing closer to the Lord is sacred. Shedding off sinful thoughts and habits is sacred. Especially because it is God who does that, not me.

So yes, I got my nose pierced. Not something that normally is characteristic of me. But I do want striving to be loving, gracious, accepting, authentic and God-pleasing to be characteristic of me. And now when I look in the mirror, may I be reminded of those desires to love God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength. And maybe it will be a little bit cute and fun and cool too...