Catching Up A Bit...

Here's a few fun moments from the last few months...

Tyler and Sharon got married in April in Chicagoland. We had a great time and didn't leave 'til close to 11:00 p.m. because Riley was having such fun dancing. Here he is with Kyle and Tyler:



Making Ava laugh has become a favorite for us. Here's some examples:






Our road trip to PA in August, trying to entertain two kids during the L-O-N-G car ride, we played Tall Tale A LOT... where we all work together to tell one story. Here's Daddy'a big finish:

But once we were in PA and MD, we had such fun...

Ode to my husband...

Disclaimer: I am not just trying to be cheesy with this post. I am not trying to suck up after a fight. I'm coming from a place of humility and awe, which struck me so hard today when we were at the doctor for Riley.

Riley has had a nasty cough for almost 2 months. He has gotten a croup-like cough every year since he was a baby. This Fall, however, has been the worst thus far and we've been up many nights because of this cough. I think between this and having a not-quite 6 month-old, I'm in a constant state of fatigue. :) We've seen the doctor on many occasions for this cough, but there isn't much you can do for a 3-and-a-1/2 year-old, so most of the time, we do nothing and just "keep an eye on it." Today though, after going to the park where they were putting down new mulch, the cough was at an all-time high. So I called the doctor AGAIN. The nurse heard him in the background and said, "Bring him in right now. That doesn't sound good."

Now, I didn't feel fear, I felt relief. But my independent and sometimes-stubborn Riley Bear did not want to go to the doctor and was letting me know with great volume. And I had just put Ava down for a much-needed nap about 15 minutes earlier. So she was crying as I got her in the carseat and Riley was crying because he didn't want to go get another shot (which happened last time at the doctor). So I was battling my own tears of frustration and fatigue, while trying to sound upbeat and positive to make this a good experience so everyone will just calm down.

Ryan had given a lot this weekend. He helped me shop for curtains, helped me hang the curtains, gave up some of his relaxing time to help me with tasks that he didn't really care that much about. And now here I was calling during work hours just to let him know that I was taking Riley to the doctor and we might not be home over lunch. He read me so right and heard the crying in the background, I'm sure and because it was over his lunch-break, he chose to meet us at the doctor, bringing candy as motivation and a pick-me-up for all of us.

Now, I met Ryan in 1997. I fell in love with Ryan in 1998. I have learned much since then, and other than my relationship with the Lord, nothing has brought me greater joy than doing life with Ryan. But honestly, life sometimes takes over and I forget to count my blessings. I take for granted that I have this amazing man that walks beside me. But today was an instance where I felt completely thankful and joyful beyond words as I watched him calmly handle Riley's fears, explain to him what was going to happen, hold him (so I could feed Ava who now not only missed a nap, but was late in eating) while Riley had a nebulizer treatment and tell him the longest, silliest, most interesting story to help pass the time. And Riley responded so positively and maturely to this doctor's appointment. He didn't want to go, but he embraced being a big boy and did an awesome job. He kept saying "I'm being brave like Curious George is brave."

I'm proud of my son, who followed the example and the leadership of his daddy. I admit to getting choked up while watching this scene in front of me, so thankful for Riley and ridiculously thankful for Ryan. I'm grateful to have a partner to do this life and parenting with, who knows me like no one else, responds to me like no one else and carries me when I need help. We joke that we can't wait for the empty nest years to be able to date each other again, but I believe that God designs it this way in that I learn from my husband, I gain greater respect for him during this season of young children so that by the time we're older and can focus on each other again, we have a lifetime of memories and stories that have grown the foundation of love. Ryan's determination to be a good dad, even amongst mistakes or challenges shows me his commitment to me, our kids and to the Lord. And his gracious love for me inspires me to be and do better and to relinquish control to the Lord.

So not just today, but all my days, I love my husband. He is an amazing dad, an accepting friend and a strong and supportive husband.

And I acknowledge humbly and gratefully that I am blessed...

Humble Pie

So it's all about perspective.

And sometimes perspective is hard to maintain within the first few weeks of having a baby. And sometimes our perspective is tainted by our past experiences, bad attitudes, and let's face it, the Enemy loves to mess up our perspective. I get attacked there often. And since my last post, I'm ready to fight again for my God-focused perspective.

Honestly, my perspective on Ava in the previous post was shadowed by my experience with Riley - who was a difficult, colicy baby. I believe Ava is a normal baby with normal fussiness and normal crying (though her cry is quite loud, which Riley calls the "mad cry"). Now, we all have seasons that are hard and so I'm offering myself grace for the last few weeks, and my feelings during this time were valid, as I really was feeling them. But with my body and schedule and life adjusting to 2 kids and now my mind being able to process and hear what the Lord is showing me, I can say with gladness that I don't think Ava is such a difficult baby.

God has showed me that I can do this, that there will be hard days when I doubt everything around me and let the tears flow, but that the big picture of parenting 2 kids - the 2 kids He gave me - is not only possible, but rewarding and fulfilling and successful. But just as my kids are growing and learning, so am I - which is actually comforting to me. I can learn as we go. I can understand the temper tantrums, the fear, the reluctance to change, the desire to just play and not face responsibility - because I've felt it and sometimes their behaviors help me feel it even more! :)

We're settling into life. Ava is a second child and she will most likely cry more because she will have to wait for things (sorry, second child - I'll do my best to beat this stereotype, but there is some truth to it). And hopefully, sweet Ava, you'll be better for it - maybe it will be easier to learn patience, flexibility, grace and independence. Things that some first borns (i.e. Riley) have some difficulty learning. :) God gave us the personalities in our family for many reasons and I'd like to believe that one reason is to help each of us learn from the other, to be in situations where we are faced with a choice - and may we practice choosing godliness and grace and love.

I love my kids. And God is teaching me so much about Himself and about myself through them. Parenting is a humbling experience. We don't always know what we're doing. But we have to trust that God gave us the wisdom we desperately ask for. And He will continue to give grace and strength in the moments when it seems overwhelming. But I'm grateful for the quiet moments that also exist that remind me that life won't always be like this - my kids will grow up and I will miss these days (I keep telling myself that because I can't say I fully believe it at this point).

Each day gets a little better, a little brighter as we learn just a little bit more...

And the lessons continue...

"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." - Romans 15:5-6

God gives endurance and encouragement...

This struck me today in a special way. I'm in the midst of transition. Ava is just over 2 weeks old and we are adjusting to our new normal with a baby who seems to not be the mellow, simple girl I confess I was hoping for. Granted, she's only 2 weeks old, so who knows what she'll be like, and so some of these feelings I'm experiencing right now may very well be due to sleep-deprivation and hormonal changes that make me emotional and over-analytical. BUT, having a baby with an active 3-year old has so far been more difficult than I'd care for. :) Surprisingly though, it's not the 3-year old who is making it hard, it's the baby.

Riley has been so sweet and loving and understanding and patient. I have been surprised at how he thrives on helping and seems to be patiently accepting that Mommy can't play all the time. And he has developed more of an independent streak when it comes to playing, which I find absolutely wonderful. He has his rough times, but overall, he is handling this all very well.

Ava, however, has quite the pair of lungs and likes to hear herself cry apparently. She cries often and reaches rage rather quickly. Riley is even scared of her crying and we are learning to not scream when she cries, for then the whole family is stressed and chaotic! Remaining calm during her cries is our goal now - for all our sakes.

Yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown and couldn't hold back the tears. Tears of disappointment that God had given me another crying baby; tears of discouragement because I can't read her yet and don't know what to do to help her calm down; tears of sadness for not being able to play with my Riley-bear; and tears of exhaustion. Even though I know this is a temporary season, remaining hopeful and encouraged is more difficult than I'd like to admit.

So when I read the verses in Romans this morning, I found it very comforting to know that GOD is the one who gives endurance and encouragement. It's not something I need to do and find on my own. All I need to do is to cry out to Him and He will give me the strength I need for that moment. This lesson again... didn't I just learn this? I guess I didn't fully grasp it. His grace is sufficient. If I can focus on TODAY, not 3 months from now, I will get through this season with beautiful memories and stories at how God created our family of 4 to know and love each other for who He made us to be, not necessarily for who we want each other to be or what our expectations are.

In all things, He refines and grows us. And just like I'm trying to teach Riley: even when we're tired and grumpy, we still can make good choices of obedience and kindness. So Lord, here I am, committing to seek you for endurance and encouragement and not to try to do it all on my own...

Refiner's Fire

The house is quiet on Good Friday. Ryan is off of work, but went to run some errands. Riley is sleeping (thank you LORD!!!). And I'm enjoying the quiet time, telling myself to sit and relax.

Funny that my verse for the day in my Kay Arthur flipbook was about Mary and Martha... I tend to be so much like Martha at times and this pregnancy has forced me to slow down and become more Mary-like. But funny how even in those moments, my mind wanders to what I could and should be doing. Could be personality, could be long list of to-do's since moving into a new home and getting settled, could be that any distraction is temptation when I could be spending time with my LORD. But I'm choosing to put words to lessons learned and reflections made over the last month - hoping to hold onto these lessons. Especially today as I'm very aware of Jesus' sacrifice for me. And I want to be more in practice of sacrificing for Him.

A message at church got me a couple weeks ago. It didn't hit me so profoundly at the time, but as days go by, I think about it more and more. The pastor was talking about Jesus being our Savior AND our Lord. We so often focus on Him saving us from our temptations, sinful habits and inconvenient or uncomfortable circumstances. And while He does serve as that Saving King, He is also my Lord, to whom I am a willing servant, bound to Him for EVERYTHING.

I am on the brink of having even less me-time and less official "quiet time" with the Lord as I look down the calendar page to baby girl's arrival in a few weeks. And a part of me mourns that, as Riley gets older and takes less frequent naps and as baby girl will be on a whole different schedule than Riley. And yet, I'm trying to choose to see this season as growing my creativity with my LORD. If EVERYTHING I do is for and because of Him, then that means the simple things of motherhood, wifehood (is that a word?!) and mehood (I KNOW that's not a word, but oh well), I can still worship and spend time with Him as Lord whilst being surrounded by distraction.

And maybe this is preparation for this next season of purpose, after learning so lessons in the move to Chicago. I have learned that:

• God fulfills His promise to give us the strength and grace we need to get through each day. It might not be all the strength we want and it may not mean that life is easy, but He will be with us as we walk through the different paths in our lives. He doesn't necessarily give us strength for tomorrow, for our focus should be on today. But in the moment, He will be our strength if we let Him.
• It is overwhelmingly special to be accepted with open arms in any new situation in life. We have had such a powerful and accepting welcome from people in Chicago. You may say it's the Midwestern style, but we feel like it's more than that... God has provided us with encouragement and hope with the people we've come in contact with. We have felt people genuinely caring for us and providing for us, including meals after we moved in, neighborly visits with freshly baked bread and treats, asking deep and authentic questions to find out how we're really doing, playdates, prayer, and a genuine interest in who we are and how we are adjusting. I've had invitations to mom groups and have met so many people that are excited that we are here. What a difference that makes - and what an encouragement for me to remember to offer in the future when I meet someone new.
• Patience is learned through practice. After having life completely change - new home in a new state with a new job for both Ryan and me (I'm now staying at home full time), and a new baby on the way, I'm learning that while my independent and stubborn self just wants to be settled already, there is purpose for things taking time. In the midst of the change, God shows us more about ourselves - our character, areas that we need to work on, our goals and hopes, and how we can use all of this to relate to others. And I have enjoyed the way that my Lord is teaching me. Gentle and gracious. He knows I'm in a semi-fragile state of mind and so He builds me up while He is showing me areas to work on. "It's Your kindness that leads to repentance. It's Your love that brings forgiveness. It's Your mercy that brings me here to Your throne of grace..."

I could go on and on, but this blog is getting long. I'm so thankful for our emotions, that allow us to feel deeply whatever we are going through and how God uses those emotions to teach and mold and shape us. He has brought us out of a place of comfort into a life where we are forced to deal with ourselves and our relationship with Him in a more personal and desperate place. I am grateful that He meets us where we are, in the midst of those emotions to comfort and strengthen us while the refining is occurring. And so, what better place to be than in the fire with my Lord.

And we are loving the closeness we are feeling as a family of almost 4, relying on each other more and enjoying encouraging and loving each other more. There is so much good in change, when we allow the Lord to be in the center of the change...

Trusting and waiting...

I'm learning a lot about trust lately.

We're moving to Illinois in about 2 weeks. We still have not sold our house and do not have any sense of someone wanting to buy our house. We had a potential lease/purchase deal that fell through the end of last week. We were disappointed in this because we truly felt that God had provided this family as an answer to our prayers and He provided our house as an answer to their prayers. It seemed that both families felt a godly sense of peace. And then something happened on their end and they had to back out. We understand and feel sad for what they are currently going through, and at the same time, we were left with big confusion on our end. We felt that God had made this quite clear to us through several confirmations - and now we were facing that fact that it wasn't an option anymore.

So back to square one.

Questions arose of our understanding God's plan and His faithfulness. Did we misread God? Did our own emotions and control take over, even when we felt that they hadn't? Why would He allow us to get so close and to feel His leading only to allow it to fall apart?

And yet, all through this newfound information, I had a weird combination of feeling a sense of calm peace that it would be okay and a bit of anxiety of understanding how at the same time.

Again, another great devotional chapter by Alicia Britt Chole that started with this sentence...

"Have you ever felt confused about God's faithfulness?"

Um, yes, I'm listening, Lord...

"The writers of the Bible - who knew trouble and hardship in this world firsthand - unanimously confirm that God can be trusted, relied on, and believed in: He is a faithful God.

Moses proclaims, "The Lord your God is God..."

That statement rang in my ears for many moments. God is God. GOD is God. God IS God. God is GOD. This is what I am learning. God is God and He can do what He wants and what He sees fit, even if my merely human mind cannot understand or like it. It doesn't take away His sovereignty, His promise that He has a plan that is my hope and future and for His glory. And because He sees the bigger picture and knows how the story ends, all I can do - truly, ALL I CAN DO is trust Him.

Yet He made me an emotional person (especially now since I'm pregnant with a girl!!) and He understands that I am as a sheep. But if I truly trust, I need to, like Abraham, be willing to walk up the mountain expecting to sacrifice my son, knowing that if it is in my best interests, God will provide the lamb at the last minute. But I don't want to walk up the mountain grumbling and complaining the whole way - that takes the focus off Him and on me. I somehow am finding joy in the waiting, in the expectation that He is faithful and will provide the way.

"Because of the Lord's great love WE ARE NOT CONSUMED..." - Lamentations 3:22

"... suffering did not invalidate God's faithfulness; suffering is where they experienced God's faithfulness. We become confused because we falsely believe that the purpose of God's faithfulness is to prevent loss, shield us from all harm, and protect us from disappointment. But the writers of the Bible saw evidence of God's faithfulness not in their comfort level or circumstances but in God's constant companionship: God was with them - through the trials, first and aches of life.... The faithfulness of God does not exist to keep us free from pain but to keep us focused on the path toward heaven. His faithfulness is not concentrated on the superficial or temporary. God has an eternal agenda: to faithfully guide our souls - through the suffering, loss, conflict, and pain of this world - into his everlasting arms."

Amen and Amen. Thank you Lord for growing me and for giving me joy during the questions of waiting. I rest in YOU - for You promised to never leave me or forsake me. And You began this great work of moving us to Chicago, You will not stop working now... I give us again to You...

Big changes on the horizon...

Why is it that in the face of uncertainty, we tend to panic, stress, worry, analyze and worry some more?

Why is it that as a believer in the God of the universe, I still struggle in fully trusting, fully focusing and fully embracing my God?

Our family is experiencing many transitions right now, feeling a little stuck in limbo. Baby Girl is due in April and the transition to 2 kids is daunting on some days, thrilling on most days. We're moving to Chicago the end of February - with or without selling our house. The idea of packing up and leaving PA is sad and discouraging on some days, exciting and affirming on most days. The burden of selling our house is defeating and stressful on most days, a successful lesson in trust and character on only some days.

We've been struggling to leave this at His feet... seemingly the battle between our heart knowing that God is in control, He promises to provide, to never leave us, to be our strength and joy on one side and the worldly head knowledge that fights for that control, wanting to do it on our own and do it quickly on the other side. Waiting and watching for Him to work is the hard part. We feel like Israelites in that God answered so quickly and obviously for weeks at a time and now that we've been waiting for our house to sell for almost 2 months, we are doubting, questioning, and worrying, sometimes forgetting His faithfulness.

I read this morning in my devotions a chapter that really touched me and wanted to share...

"Building Muscle" is the title of this chapter by Alicia Britt Chole.

"... But when obedience leads us to decrease visibly - in what the world sees and applauds - that decrease creates a unique opportunity to increase spiritually in what God sees and applauds. The challenge is, however, that productivity looks different in such seasons. Instead of being praised for completed projects, we are given countless occasions to make peace with the incomplete. Instead of being promoted for being 'first,' we are given numerous opportunities to find joy in being last.

This different type of growth reminds me of the counsel I received from a fitness trainer... He explained that at first I would feel as though I were really making progress, because the initial fat burn would be easily visible. 'Then,' he cautioned, 'you'll come to me and ask what's wrong because you're not seeing as much change. Don't be fooled and don't be discouraged. That's when the real work is occurring. It means you're starting to build muscle.'

Building muscle (and building character) is a different type of productivity. It is less visible. And more powerful. In fact character growth is the 'real work' of life."

And herein lies my personal prayer for this period of transition...

Lord Jesus, fogive my lack of trust and my unbelief. Help me to believe and to trust. While it's hard and it's not the most fun place to be, it's not the worst place to be. You have still blessed me so graciously. Help me to wait on you, not looking at the success of others or the time that goes by, but to fully trust that You know what You are doing and that ALL THINGS are for my good and YOUR glory. And help me to make this season of transition a positive time of trusting and knowing you in a powerful way and of making myself less so that you can become more. Not worried, but trusting. Not stressed, but resting. So that You can again show me Your faithfulness, Your provision, Your amazing and personal work not just in my circumstances, but in ME...

- missy