Just what am I hunting for...

Do you ever feel like saying, Lord, haven't I learned enough?

So we have been looking for houses, i.e. house hunting, for a few months now. And I have to say, I thought it would be simpler, faster and more fun. :) Yet, like many things in our lives, there is more than meets the eye. And just like God, this process has been the breeding ground for lesson after lesson of trust, patience, contentment, wisdom and being Kingdom-minded.

I have probably visited about 50 houses. Granted, we knowingly have a low budget, even in this buyer-friendly market. But we are trying to be frugal and wise in our finances, having the house budget be ONE of the things we spend our money on, not THE thing we spend our money on. And with Ryan's salary changing to primarily commission, well, we were financially conservative before and are even more so now. So we want a house that has space, but that doesn't change our current finances too much. Living in Chicagoland makes it a bit tricky, but not impossible, right?

We firmly believe that a home is a place where ministry happens, which I think is our primary desire in wanting more space. We want to open our home/lives up to parties, playdates, Bible Studies, groups of people. We want to have a comfortable space that encourages authenticity and security, especially as Riley and Ava grow up. And we thought that all signs were pointing to that happening now because the market is at a place where you can get more house for the money. If we were living in Chicagoland a few years ago, we wouldn't even be shopping, so the fact that we are even looking at 50 houses is a blessing.

But it hasn't felt like a blessing lately. Admittedly, this has been a discouraging process. We either see house after house that would take too much time, work and money to fix up OR we see a house we like and it's sold before we can put in an offer. We have learned about ourselves and about our marriage and about our expectations. We have felt almost every emotion during these months. With those emotions comes questioning what God is doing and why He is allowing this process to take so long when we have thought that our motivation for wanting a house was God-honoring...

A couple days ago I read these verses that I think came straight from the Lord and I can't get them out of my head...

"My thoughts are not your thoughts; neither are your ways My ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways and thoughts higher than yours." - Isaiah 55:8-9

Sometimes, even without meaning to, I get sidetracked of thinking what I would think would be what God wants... I think how great it would be to have a story to tell about how we found our house or what we would do with the house or how we prayed and God answered so obviously... and how that would all glorify the Lord. And sometimes that truly is the case (like in our journey of moving to IL). BUT, sometimes it's not that way and God's purposes cannot be seen or felt or assumed. What do I do when that happens? Does my faith change because the certainty and the warm fuzzies are not present? If what I want doesn't happen, do I still choose to trust, even if everything around me may point to settling or giving up? When it doesn't make sense, do I sulk or do I choose to praise?

Maybe we haven't found a house yet because the house isn't ready for us or neighbors we live near now need an encouraging word or maybe God wants to work on our contentment a little more or maybe the reason is never to be known. But it doesn't (or shouldn't) matter. I have put my trust in the God who created the universe. I believe He is sovereign. I believe that He is for me and delights in me. And if the door has not opened for a house, then I need to continue waiting patiently. And as a friend said to me, focus on the heavenly home that Jesus is preparing for me, with many rooms. And when I focus on that, while my desire is to continue looking for houses, my attitude is more of a God-hunt than a house-hunt. I have so much to be thankful for, I have shelter and a warm home that I do not want to take for granted. I am not in a hurry. I want to enjoy life and the means to joy is not a house or anything material.

Lord-willing, we will eventually find a house. But in the mean time, I am being trained to trust my God and to rest in His plans for my life, even if I don't understand them or don't always like them. He is God. And I am His child. And I am commanded to "love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your strength..." (Deut. 6:5), which includes my mind and everything in me, my life and my energy, my "muchness" (thank you Colin Smith) and possessions and what God gives me - or doesn't give me.

"... I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want..." - Phil. 4:11-12

You did what??

I've long thought that a small nose ring looked cute and fun, and well, yes, cool. I've always thought it would be fun to do it, but mostly chickened out or worried what people would think if I did it.

That last reason has plagued me for years, not necessarily about the nose ring, per se, but in life in general. Caring what people think. Not wanting to be judged, misunderstood, disrespected, not liked. I've had ebbs and flows of this struggle, and surprisingly, it seems, for some reason, that it has been more on the forefront of my mind in the last year or so. It probably has to do with moving, it could be that I'm now in my mid-30's and a stay-at-home mom and maybe have less adult interaction, or it could simply be that I'm human and we seem to worry about these sorts of things.

I found lately, though, that my confidence in the Lord was being affected. My insecurities were more my focus than the truth that my God delights in me. My way of dealing with it was to try to control it better. To try harder to get over it. Pray about it, yes, but mostly talk myself out of it. And surprise, it wasn't working. When I do it that way, my insecurities grow. But when I do it God's way and focus on Him and depend on Him and learn of Him, my confidence grows. The peace that He gives, grows. When I trust in His delight and love for me, I can push aside those ugly thoughts of self-absorption, fear of man, and people-pleasing.

I've been learning much lately (always). And in talking to Ryan one night about all these lessons, I was saying how I wanted a physical reminder, an altar if you will, to point me back to Jesus in all things. And so the idea was born: my nose ring, for me, could be the altar I was looking for. So, after years of talking about it, I did it. I got my nose pierced.

I have pages upon pages in my journal of these lessons that will hopefully be life-changing lessons. But truthfully, I'm sure I'll struggle with one or two of them my entire lifetime. Sometimes I wonder if God allows those "thorns" so that we'll continually run back to Him. But these lessons are the reason I wanted my new covenant with the Lord to be physical. Just like I like to be reminded that I'm loved by Him, I look at the clock at 10:15 (my birthday - 10/15) and use that as my personal connection to the Lord, a reminder to check-in and a reminder that I am loved. It's amazing how many times I "happen" to look at the clock at exactly 10:15. Now some of the lessons are between me and my Lord, but just a few I wanted to share:

1. My confidence is in the Lord. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I can rest in who He made me to be. I can tend to be easily influenced by people around me. An interaction can make or break my mood. I long not to dwell on the negatives, but seek the Lord and give all those thoughts to Him instead of letting them circle in my head. As my dear friend, Katy, says, our thoughts can be like birds flying overhead. Some thoughts circle around, subtly land and rest in my mind, and before I know it, I'm stuck in a downward spiral of negative, sinful thoughts. I need to not let those thoughts build a nest in my mind, but I can shoo them away (throw out those negative, sinful thoughts). They may do several fly-by attempts, but I can do my part to not let them rest too long. We have to "fix our thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." (Phil. 4:8). I need not be pulled to and fro by people-pleasing, but instead, focus on pleasing the Lord. And I don't want to worry what others will think of me, if I'm living for Him, that is my concern. Some people may not like it, may not like me or my choices, but again, if I'm focusing on the Lord, what can mere man do to me?

2. That first lesson was tested right after said piercing of the nose. For some people didn't like it and didn't understand it and I felt judged and questioned. The first lesson was reaffirmed and another lesson evolved - this was a lesson I hadn't sought after, but God chose to soften my heart to the many people who must feel slighted or judged by the Church. It's hard to be different. It's hard to walk into a place (church) feeling like you stick out like a sore thumb. It's hard imagining that everyone who looks at you is displeased by you. This is not Truth. This is a lie of the Enemy who wants to destroy. But if we are not careful, we can all fall into this way of thinking. I want to make more of an effort to see those on the outside that may feel like they don't fit in or that people don't understand them. God loves all of us and does not show favoritism. And He did, indeed, make us unique and special, every one of us with worth and dignity. It's about grace - accepting it for myself and giving it to others.

3. Going along with that, I don't want to just fit the mold. I don't want my Christianity to become routine or just a lifestyle. This is not about rebelling against society, it's more about not giving into influence, feeling pressure to fit in and be like everyone else. Not just going through the motions of being a Christian because it's all I've ever known. But to declare myself different, because I am different. I'm not supposed to be like everyone else. We're all fearfully and wonderfully made, but I'm not necessarily like the person next to me. And I may have gifts or abilities that are different and God may use me differently so I shouldn't think I need to be like everyone else. I long to live out the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) but not for my own benefit or my own recognition, but for His glory and purpose. I want less of me, more of Him. And sometimes, that means being a little different.

I have a scar on the left side of my nose from when I was a baby. So I was naturally thinking of drawing attention away from that by piercing the right side. Honestly and naively, I had never heard of meanings for the sides of the nose and maybe should have researched that a bit beforehand. BUT I think God used even that. As the man who pierced me was getting ready with the needle on my nose, he told me that in India, girls who were forced to be sex-slaves were forced to have the right side of their noses pierced as a means of branding. Um, wait, I should have learned of this earlier. But from that moment on, I began to worry. Am I going to send the wrong message with this piercing? I later googled meanings of nose-piercings (probably what I should have done first, but it definitely means more now) and found that the right side of the nose can mean "sacred." And for me, this has increased my desire to have this nose ring mean something. The process is sacred. Growing closer to the Lord is sacred. Shedding off sinful thoughts and habits is sacred. Especially because it is God who does that, not me.

So yes, I got my nose pierced. Not something that normally is characteristic of me. But I do want striving to be loving, gracious, accepting, authentic and God-pleasing to be characteristic of me. And now when I look in the mirror, may I be reminded of those desires to love God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength. And maybe it will be a little bit cute and fun and cool too...

On the move...

Gretzinger's Grand Haven

We went to my sister, Dana's house for Easter. We had fun with her family and felt like we were able to have some sweet, quality time with them.

Thanks for sharing the weekend with us - you have a beautiful life and ministry in Grand Haven and we are excited to watch God work in all 5 of you. We love you Dana, Jimmy, Jamie, Charlie and Scout.

Happy 1st Birthday Ava Grace!

So we decided to wait until our Family Birthday Party/Dedication for Ava to experience her first taste of cake. But Birthdays are too special to go by without some kind of yummy treat... so Ava enjoyed her first donut today on her first birthday.




Ava - we love you so much. We thank God for you - for who He made you to be and all the light that shines in your eyes. You are so fun and full of spunk and we are thrilled to be a part of your life. We are committed to love and teach you all we know about the Creator of Life and Love. We pray you'll be open to His pursuit of you and that you will know the peace and love and joy that only God can give.

"[We] want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else." - Colossians 2:2-3 (The Message)

From the book JESUS CALLING by Sarah Young.

"When some basic need is lacking - time, energy, money - consider yourself blessed. Your very lack is an opportunity to latch onto Me in unashamed dependence. When you begin a day with inadequate resources, you must concentrate your efforts on the present moment. This is where you are meant to live - in the present; it is the place where I always await you. Awareness of your inadequacy is a rich blessing, training you to rely wholeheartedly on Me.

"The truth is that self-sufficiency is a myth perpetuated by pride and temporary success. Health and wealth can disappear instantly, as can life itself. Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My Power is made perfect in weakness."

James 1:2-4: "Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10: "Each time he said, 'My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness'. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

In a stage of life when rest and time and money are hard to come by, these lessons and promises are what sustain me. And I feel like the Lord keeps bringing me back to this... trying to live above my circumstances, trusting and relying on Him for strength and peace and joy. It really is all about Him, and I keep having to be reminded of that for some reason. It's not about me. When He promises that He loves me and has a purpose for me and will provide for my needs and will work for my good and His glory, how can I not trust Him?

"Oh, what joy for those whose rebellion is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight! Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of sin, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

When I refused to confess my sin, I was weak and miserable, and I groaned all day long. Day and night Your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

Finally, I confessed all my sins to You and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.' And You forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

Therefore, let all the godly confess their rebellion to You while there is time, that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment. For You are my hiding place; You protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory.

The Lord says, 'I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you. Do not be like a senseless horse or mule that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.'

Many sorrows come to the wicked, but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.

So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey Him! Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!"

- Psalm 32

How Big Is Ava?

SO BIG!

Playing Paper Birds

Today we were drawing ducks. Purple ones. Riley's duck is the top one. He wanted it to look like a Super Hero. His duck could totally take mine in a fight. :) And yes, our ducks have 4 feet. :) After we were done drawing, Riley invented a new game with our drawings. He called it Paper Birds. We ran around the house making our paper ducks fly. And I believe he came up with his first pun... He was running behind me and saying "Quack Quack Quack" and I said, Riley what are you doing back there?" He responded, "Just back here quacking up!" Hehe... Funny boy.

A new kind of play...

One of Riley's favorite things for the last 1-2 years has been building towers (or Chicago skyscrapers) out of his blocks. However, now with a sweet little sister who is on the move, he has to be a little creative in how he does that.

One of those days...

So as I said before, we're in a rough season. But oh how the Lord has been sustaining us.

Last night was probably the worst night ever for Ava, who seems to be in a constant state of teething (though this time I think she has a cold on top of that)... all that to say, our normally smiley baby is just not happy. She was up every hour last night and today has been a wreck, taking several 30 minute naps all day long. And yet, all through the night and today, I have a peace that makes no sense to me. I have a strange appreciation for my kids. I have joy at the little things. Not a coincidence.

Riley has been awesome - so helpful and patient. He tries to make her smile (which is actually very successful, even in the midst of her tears - wish I could get that on camera!). He has been content to play and color and is just acting like such a big boy.

Ava was asleep so I tried to hurry Riley into his quiet time to get some quiet time for myself. I sat down after Riley was settled and 10 minutes later, Ava woke up. Sigh. I got her up and brought her downstairs to sit with me while I did my devotions. Here's what was written in my book (JESUS CALLING by Sarah Young):

"Thank Me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in My Kingdom have been done from sick beds and prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me. Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms. My Strength and Power show themselves most effective in weakness."

And the verses that went along with that were:

"Be silent before the Lord, all humanity, for he is springing into action from his holy dwelling." - Zechariah 2:13

"The Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says, 'Only in returning to me and waiting for me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength..." - Isaiah 30:15

"Each time he said, 'My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Coincidence? I think not. Thanks, Lord, for hearing me...

Yay Ava!

Love for our kids...

So we all love our kids. It's a strange emotion of bonding as if our hearts are physically attached to theirs. Nothing ever changes that.

But truth be told, we feel like we're in the midst of a tough season, given my and Ryan's personalities: these young ages pull at our desires for individual time, time as a couple, sleep, creativity, logical conversations with our kids, uninterrupted conversations as adults and well, sometimes, sanity. And add in winter, and well, you now have a roller coaster of emotions at the Delp house. :)

In recent struggles, I have let myself sink into the pit of discouragement too quickly. And sometimes those pits bring about questions about parenting, our kids' personalities and well, those blasted comparisions to other kids/parents.

And today, as if directly from the Lord, I felt such a renewed appreciation for my beautiful kids. They are different and similar. Riley is fearless while Ava is cautious. Riley loves trying new things while it takes Ava a few tries with uncertain glances at Mommy before she'll decide if she likes something. But they both have fun personalities. They speak their minds (yes, even little Ava lets us know quite loudly what she wants and when); they are unaware of others' opinions and so are just themselves; they love hard and play hard. And their challenges help us grow and see the Lord, ourselves and them with a godly perspective.

And so, in our journey of praying for increasing love and growing faith - and while we love our kids a lot, I'm praying more specifically that our love for Riley and Ava would increase more and more. I'm praying that we would continue to grow in choosing the Lord's perspective in the trying times and choose to see each hurdle as a teachable moment, not just for them but for us as parents as well.

Lord, in all things, make us more like you. Help us love like you love...

More from the eyes of a Riley-bear...

Here's some more pictures from Riley's camera:

These first few are from when Memom and Pop were visiting in January. A little trip to Home Depot was just the inspiration Riley needed to be a little prophetic... a snow-blower?! Yes, that would have been nice to have a few days ago when we got 2 feet of snow!!

And here's a video of Riley telling the story of "Thomas' Christmas."

Riley certainly has an air towards the dramatic... wonder what that means for his future... and ours! :) Man, do we love this boy...

Works of Art...

Riley received his very own camera for Christmas from Memom and Pop and he so enjoys taking pictures of the world. I love seeing what is important and picture-worthy from his perspective.

Here's a sampling of some. These are from Christmas with the Delps and other random pics from December.







Grandpa bowling on the Wii; "Lots of Traffic"; and Backyardigans



Hmm... caught in the act...



Skyping with Memom and Pop...



Don't worry, there will be more to come... :)

Lord, will you grow our faith and increase our love...

This is our prayer for 2011...

Lord, will you grow our faith and increase our love...

Throughout the year, I'll give tidbits into how we're doing and what God is showing us and teaching us in this area. This covers so many avenues, but so far, I've been reminded of my love for Ryan. Reflecting on 2010 was filled with so many emotions and through all of them, I am humbled and deeply grateful for doing life with Ryan. As we get older and face more of life's curve balls, I'm confident that God will provide, He'll allow what is best for us and what will ultimately bring Him glory.

So I was reading a Karen Kingsburgy fiction book called "Forever" a month ago or so and in it was this list. Funny place to get actual marital advice, but I admit that I even wrote these in my journal, and in my kids' journals. Good reminders for loving well...

TEN SECRETS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

"1. God has you here to serve one another. Love acted out is serving.

2. Women need respect and nurturing. Love your wife so she knows you'd lay your life down for her. Continue to date her and admire her. Share a hobby - find something you can do to have fun together.

3. Laugh often.

4. Be patient. Love crumbles quickly under the weight of unmet expectations.

5. Spend more time trying to fix yourself than your spouse.

6. Keep short accounts. The Bible says, "Do not let the sun go down while you are angry." Make it a habit to forgive.

7. Determine upfront that divorce is not an option.

8. Learn about love languages. Not all people show love or receive it the same way. You want a back rub and your spouse wants a clean kitchen. The love languages are fairly simple: acts of service, time, physical touch, gifts, and words of affirmation. Learn them. Love is better received when it's in the language that person speaks.

9. Words of affirmation are a love language for all men.

10. Men are born to be leaders. He cannot lead unless she gives him the confidence to do so. If you love your husband, build him up. Confident men do not seek love outside the home."

I'm so thankful for my husband. While marriage is not easy, I'm grateful that I know I am loved and that he strives to love me better each day, month, year. As we begin this New Year, I'm grateful for you, Ryan. I'm committed to loving you better as we grow older together, I'm excited about showing our children the realities and joys of relationships and the beauty of striving to do life God's way.

Here's to you, Ryan, may God continue to increase our love for each other and may we be creative in showing that love in random ways throughout this year...