Humble Pie

So it's all about perspective.

And sometimes perspective is hard to maintain within the first few weeks of having a baby. And sometimes our perspective is tainted by our past experiences, bad attitudes, and let's face it, the Enemy loves to mess up our perspective. I get attacked there often. And since my last post, I'm ready to fight again for my God-focused perspective.

Honestly, my perspective on Ava in the previous post was shadowed by my experience with Riley - who was a difficult, colicy baby. I believe Ava is a normal baby with normal fussiness and normal crying (though her cry is quite loud, which Riley calls the "mad cry"). Now, we all have seasons that are hard and so I'm offering myself grace for the last few weeks, and my feelings during this time were valid, as I really was feeling them. But with my body and schedule and life adjusting to 2 kids and now my mind being able to process and hear what the Lord is showing me, I can say with gladness that I don't think Ava is such a difficult baby.

God has showed me that I can do this, that there will be hard days when I doubt everything around me and let the tears flow, but that the big picture of parenting 2 kids - the 2 kids He gave me - is not only possible, but rewarding and fulfilling and successful. But just as my kids are growing and learning, so am I - which is actually comforting to me. I can learn as we go. I can understand the temper tantrums, the fear, the reluctance to change, the desire to just play and not face responsibility - because I've felt it and sometimes their behaviors help me feel it even more! :)

We're settling into life. Ava is a second child and she will most likely cry more because she will have to wait for things (sorry, second child - I'll do my best to beat this stereotype, but there is some truth to it). And hopefully, sweet Ava, you'll be better for it - maybe it will be easier to learn patience, flexibility, grace and independence. Things that some first borns (i.e. Riley) have some difficulty learning. :) God gave us the personalities in our family for many reasons and I'd like to believe that one reason is to help each of us learn from the other, to be in situations where we are faced with a choice - and may we practice choosing godliness and grace and love.

I love my kids. And God is teaching me so much about Himself and about myself through them. Parenting is a humbling experience. We don't always know what we're doing. But we have to trust that God gave us the wisdom we desperately ask for. And He will continue to give grace and strength in the moments when it seems overwhelming. But I'm grateful for the quiet moments that also exist that remind me that life won't always be like this - my kids will grow up and I will miss these days (I keep telling myself that because I can't say I fully believe it at this point).

Each day gets a little better, a little brighter as we learn just a little bit more...

And the lessons continue...

"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ." - Romans 15:5-6

God gives endurance and encouragement...

This struck me today in a special way. I'm in the midst of transition. Ava is just over 2 weeks old and we are adjusting to our new normal with a baby who seems to not be the mellow, simple girl I confess I was hoping for. Granted, she's only 2 weeks old, so who knows what she'll be like, and so some of these feelings I'm experiencing right now may very well be due to sleep-deprivation and hormonal changes that make me emotional and over-analytical. BUT, having a baby with an active 3-year old has so far been more difficult than I'd care for. :) Surprisingly though, it's not the 3-year old who is making it hard, it's the baby.

Riley has been so sweet and loving and understanding and patient. I have been surprised at how he thrives on helping and seems to be patiently accepting that Mommy can't play all the time. And he has developed more of an independent streak when it comes to playing, which I find absolutely wonderful. He has his rough times, but overall, he is handling this all very well.

Ava, however, has quite the pair of lungs and likes to hear herself cry apparently. She cries often and reaches rage rather quickly. Riley is even scared of her crying and we are learning to not scream when she cries, for then the whole family is stressed and chaotic! Remaining calm during her cries is our goal now - for all our sakes.

Yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown and couldn't hold back the tears. Tears of disappointment that God had given me another crying baby; tears of discouragement because I can't read her yet and don't know what to do to help her calm down; tears of sadness for not being able to play with my Riley-bear; and tears of exhaustion. Even though I know this is a temporary season, remaining hopeful and encouraged is more difficult than I'd like to admit.

So when I read the verses in Romans this morning, I found it very comforting to know that GOD is the one who gives endurance and encouragement. It's not something I need to do and find on my own. All I need to do is to cry out to Him and He will give me the strength I need for that moment. This lesson again... didn't I just learn this? I guess I didn't fully grasp it. His grace is sufficient. If I can focus on TODAY, not 3 months from now, I will get through this season with beautiful memories and stories at how God created our family of 4 to know and love each other for who He made us to be, not necessarily for who we want each other to be or what our expectations are.

In all things, He refines and grows us. And just like I'm trying to teach Riley: even when we're tired and grumpy, we still can make good choices of obedience and kindness. So Lord, here I am, committing to seek you for endurance and encouragement and not to try to do it all on my own...